Censored by Confucius Read online

  Eventually, he struck upon the notion of emulating a certain Minister Xinling, who had apparently committed suicide by indulging in an excess of wine and women. Thus resolved, our Ming loyalist brought in several concubines and mistresses and thereafter indulged himself in unlimited lascivious pursuits.

  This went on for years, yet still he showed no signs of dying from his excesses. The only effects on his body were that his nerves were shot, his head protruded at an unusual angle, and his back developed a hump. Indeed, he was so badly hunched over that he looked for all the world like a giant cooked prawn.

  His crooked gait was almost a crawl on all fours, so people in the region called him the Human Prawn. He stayed in this prawnlike state for over twenty years and died at the ripe old age of eighty-four. My friend Wang Zijian told me that he had seen this old man with his very own eyes when he was just a young boy.

  The Duck's Lover

  In Jiangxi's Gaoan County there was a young man by the name of Yang Gui. Now Yang Gui was a slim and extremely attractive nineteen-year-old. He was mild in manner, compliant by nature, and never known to refuse sexual advances of any sort.

  One summer's day he was bathing in the village pond when a drake flew up at him from the water and bit him on the buttocks. The drake then whacked Yang with his tail and made humping movements over Yang's buttocks. Yang tried to fend off the duck, beating it repeatedly, but the duck persisted. It wasn't long before Yang had beaten it to death. When he examined the limp body floating in the water, he saw protruding from among the tail feathers a fleshy stalk. Around the stalk the water was murky with some sort of emission.

  The locals thought this episode absolutely hilarious, and from then on Yang Gui became known as the Duck's Lover.

  The Spirit of the Turtle Stone

  In Wuxi there lived a very handsome, refined young scholar by the name of Hua. He and his family lived along the banks of a river, near a Confucian temple. Directly in front of this temple was a grand bridge that had become a favorite resting place for travelers. One summer day, Hua also sought respite from the heat in the cool of the bridge.

  Later in the afternoon as he strolled towards his college he noticed a young woman leaning against the side gate of a nearby lane. His interest was aroused and he wandered over to chat. The woman smiled as he drew near and they eyed each other appreciatively. Hua was just about to engage her in conversation when she suddenly went inside and closed the gate. Before going on his way, Hua made a mental note of the location of her lane.

  The next day he returned to the lane and found the woman waiting. Upon inquiry, Hua found she was the daughter of a college caretaker. She then added, "My lodgings are too cramped for a private tryst, but your house is close by. So if you can arrange a secluded room, I will come and spend the nights with you. Wait for me tomorrow evening at your gate."

  Our young man gleefully returned home and instructed the housekeepers to prepare the outer room, telling his wife that he would prefer to sleep outside to avoid the heat. That night, in great stealth, he waited by the gate and surely enough the young woman appeared. They walked hand in hand into the outer room and spent a night together that exceeded Hua's wildest expectations. From hereon in she paid him a visit every night.

  After several months of this nightly activity Hua grew pale and thin. His parents suspected that something was amiss and they decided one night to stay up and check on him. When they discovered him making merry in the company of a young woman they pushed open the door and rushed in, but in a flash the woman had gone. They interrogated their son, whereupon he confessed to his liaison and narrated the entire sequence of events that had led to his current state of ill health.

  His parents were horrified. The next day they accompanied Hua to his college to look for the woman. But the gate he had described was nowhere to be found and none of the college caretakers was known to have a daughter fitting the woman's description. It became apparent the woman they were dealing with was some sort of spirit, so they immediately sought the advice of monks and priests.

  The spirit-repelling charms and talismans that they received proved useless, however. Finally Hua's parents gave him some cinnabar and told him, "When she returns tonight, rub some of this onto her. That way we will be able to trace her movements tomorrow." That night, while the couple lay together, Hua secretly rubbed the cinnabar into her hair.

  The next day, the young man and his parents went to the Confucian temple to search for traces of red dust, but not a spot could be found. Suddenly they heard a woman scolding her young boy, "I just put a clean pair of pants on you and now you've got them covered in red dirt! Where on earth have you been playing?"

  Hua's father's suspicions were immediately aroused and he went to have a look at the child's trousers. They were indeed covered in cinnabar. He asked where the boy had been playing and the child pointed toward the turtle statue under the college stele. "I was just riding on the turtle's head. I didn't mean to get dirty."

  On examining the turtle statue they discovered that it was covered in cinnabar, so they immediately notified the college authorities and the turtle was duly destroyed. Among the splinters of rock from the smashed statue were traces of blood, and in the rubble lay a gleaming, egg-shaped pebble. It was so dense that no one was able to smash it, so they simply threw it into Lake Tai. For a while after this the woman did not return.

  Half a month later, however, she reappeared in the young man's bedroom, complaining loudly about the injustice she had suffered. "What crime have I committed to deserve the destruction of my old form? All the same I'm not angry—your parents were only acting out of concern for your health. Look, I have begged some herbs from an immortal that are certain to cure you." She produced several grassy leaves and forced Hua to take them. They were sweet and fragrant.

  Then she said, "Before, when I lived nearby, it was very easy to make my nightly visits. But my new form is much farther away and it will be impossible for me to travel to and fro, so I will have to reside here with you." And so she joined the household, although she never partook of food or drink.

  Everyone in the family could see her, and Hua's wife openly abused her. But on such occasions the woman would just smile silently. Each evening, Hua's wife would sit on the bed with her arms protectively around her husband, intending to prevent the woman from sharing their bed. The woman, for her part, did not force the issue. Instead she would wait until the wife was sound asleep and oblivious to the world before joining Hua in bed. She could thus enjoy him all for herself. After Hua had taken the herbs, not only did his former good health return but he was also protected from the wasting sickness that had plagued him during his earlier sexual encounters with the woman. His parents could do nothing but let the woman have her way, and so it continued for over a year.

  One day Hua chanced upon a scabby Daoist monk. After scrutinizing Hua the monk announced, "I can see that you are possessed. You had better tell me the truth or your end will be nigh!" The young man told him the whole story and the scabby monk then invited him to a teahouse, where he promptly swung a gourd over his shoulder and took a swig of wine. He then gave the young scholar two yellow paper charms. "Take these home and paste one onto the door of your bedroom and the other onto your bed. Don't tell the woman of this. Your fate is not yet sealed. On the fifteenth day of the eighth month I will pay you a visit." It was then the middle of the sixth month.

  On returning home, he pasted the charms in the designated places. When the woman returned she was shocked and cursed him. "Why have you become so coldhearted again? You can't frighten me with these!" Although her tone was harsh and defiant, she dared not enter the room.

  After a long while she laughed loudly. "I have a choice of the utmost gravity for you to make. If you are interested in hearing it you must first rid the bedroom of these charms." He did as requested and she entered the room. "You are an attractive man. I love you and want you to be my husband. The Daoist monk also loves you but he wants you to be
his acolyte and lover. Which one of us will you choose?" Hua was horrified to think that the monk had such an ulterior motive. Thus persuaded, he and the woman resumed their romance.

  One midautumn evening Hua and the young woman were gazing at the full moon when they were interrupted by someone calling Hua's name. In the darkness Hua could see that the voice belonged to someone standing just beyond the wall. He hurried over and recognized the man to be the scabby monk. The monk took him by the arm and said, "The ghost's life is drawing to a close. I have come here especially to exorcise her from your household." It became apparent from the young man's expression that he was not very pleased with this news and so the monk continued. "I know that the ghost has slandered me. For this I am even less inclined to forgive her." He wrote out another two charms for Hua and said, "Quick! Go and capture her!"

  The young man turned to go, but then hesitated and finally stopped. So his parents, who had come out to see what was happening, carried the charms to his wife's residence instead. Hua's wife was ecstatic. Holding the charms, she walked towards the woman, who shook and shivered in fright. They then bound the woman's hands and carried her outside.

  The woman wept and pleaded with Hua. "I knew that my life was nearly over and I know that I should have left before, but I was so deeply in love with you that I kept delaying my departure. Now this calamity has befallen me. I have loved you dearly all these years and soon we will be parted forever. I beg you to put me in the shade of the wall, away from the moonlight, so that I might be reprieved of my death sentence. Have pity on me, will you?"

  The young man did not have the heart to see her die in such misery, so he carried her to the shaded side of the wall and untied her hands. The woman promptly leaped into the air and was transformed into a streak of black smoke that sped through the sky. The Daoist monk immediately let out a shrill cry and gave chase through the air to the southeast.

  Nobody knows what became of them.

  Ghosts Who Play with Firecrackers May Burn Themselves

  In Shaoxing there was a mansion that remained, on its owner's instructions, locked fast. It happened one day that a traveler came by seeking lodgings for the night.

  The owner of the mansion informed him, "You are quite welcome to rent the eastern mansion, but you do so at your own peril."

  Our traveler inquired as to the meaning of this cryptic welcome and was told, "The building was previously used for storage, and my two servants were quartered there. Late one evening we were disturbed in our nighttime preparations by a frightful howling from the mansion. We rushed over and found the servants pale and shaking, speechless with fear. It was quite some time before they regained their composure.

  "They later told me, 'Just before we had blown the candle out in preparation for sleep, a creature in the form of a huge stone monument came to our bedside, opened the bed curtain, and made as if to join us. Frightened beyond belief, we ran from the building screaming. This is the truth for we saw this creature with our own eyes.' Naturally, after this strange event no one has dared live in that building."

  After hearing the owner reach the end of his tale our traveler simply laughed and said, "I'll give it a try."

  His host tried in vain to dissuade him from such a reckless course, but in the end he was compelled to sweep out the dust, put down some mats, and prepare the building for residence.

  On entering his temporary home the traveler, armed with his sword, went directly to the top floor. There he lit a candle and waited.

  Finally, in the deep of the night, his patience was rewarded by a rustling sound emanating from the northern end of the room. He gazed in that direction and in the gloom made out the form of the ghost. It looked just as the landlord had described.

  The ghost jumped onto a chair and began examining some books that had been left on the table. Soon wearying of this pastime, the ghost proceeded to empty the contents of our traveler's luggage onto the table and inspect them one by one.

  Among the various items of personal use were several batches of Huizhou firecrackers. These the demon scrutinized attentively in the light of a lamp, which by curious coincidence happened to spit a spark onto the wick of the firecrackers.

  This, of course, caused a thunderous explosion, which left the ghost momentarily rolling around the floor blubbering before taking its chance to disappear.

  Our traveler was greatly puzzled by these antics. Suspecting that the demon would return, he maintained his vigil until dawn. There were no more visitations, however; not a trace of the demon was seen.

  In amazement the traveler narrated the night's events to his landlord, who was equally perplexed. The following night our traveler returned to the upper floor of the mansion and passed the night without incident or evidence of supernatural presence.

  From that day on, the building was free from strange events and accompanying ghosts.

  Kaxiong

  Yang Kaxiong was orphaned at an early age when his father died unexpectedly during garrison duty. The boy's distant uncle, a Mr. Zhou, was a vice-commander of the military stationed in Hezhou. Taking pity on the orphan, Zhou decided to raise Kaxiong as his own child.

  Zhou had a daughter who was approximately the same age as Kaxiong, and seeing that Kaxiong was young, intelligent, and handsome, she took a liking to him.

  The Zhou family were very strict on matters of social decorum and consequently the young couple's contact was limited to formal family dining.

  Another relative, a young man by the name of Wu, was also supported by the Zhous, and he slept outside in the study.

  One autumn night when Kaxiong felt insufferably hot he took a stroll under the moonlight to enjoy the cool night air. In the distance he saw the young Miss Zhou strolling towards him. By the end of the night the couple had become extremely intimate.

  The next day he chanced upon her in the midst of her morning toilet but they simply exchanged smiles. From hereon in she visited him every night.

  On one of these occasions Wu was disturbed by the sound of laughter coming from Kaxiong's quarters and he grew suspicious. Peeking inside, he saw Miss Zhou and Kaxiong engaged in sexual intercourse and this made him extremely jealous.

  He resolved to pass this information on to Mr. Zhou. On hearing about his daughter's conduct, Mr. Zhou immediately went to the inner quarters and scolded his wife for her laxity.

  In her defense Mrs. Zhou said, "How could this be? Our daughter shares my bed every night."

  Zhou was still unconvinced so he found an excuse to cane Kaxiong and drove him out of the house.

  Having nobody else but the Zhous to rely on, Kaxiong took refuge in an ancient temple in Lanzhou. It wasn't long before Miss Zhou appeared at the temple carrying her luxurious luggage.

  Kaxiong was overjoyed and asked how she had managed to find him.

  "I came with my uncle Wu." Then she explained to Kaxiong that Mr. Zhou's younger brother, Wu, had just been promoted to the post of military commander in Lanzhou.

  Kaxiong had no reason to doubt her words and proceeded to set up house with her for a few weeks. They lived in grand style and were blissfully happy.

  One day not long after this Miss Zhou's uncle bumped into Kaxiong on the street and greeted him cheerfully. "So you're here as well, nephew!" Kaxiong amiably replied in the affirmative. The two men rode back to Kaxiong's residence, where they were greeted by Zhou's daughter.

  The uncle was puzzled by her presence, so Kaxiong explained what had happened. The uncle thought to himself, "My brother made no mention of his daughter's absence to me. Perhaps he was too ashamed to mention it?"

  He stayed with the young couple for several days and then, using the opportunity provided by military business, paid a visit to his brother in Hezhou.

  Zhou, informed about his brother's encounter with his daughter, was incredulous. "This is impossible! My daughter is this very moment in her chamber quite safe and sound. In fact she'll be joining us for dinner in a short while. Perhaps your Miss Zhou is a fox
fairy who is impersonating my daughter."

  Zhou's wife said, "This fox fairy will blacken the family name by pretending to be our daughter and carrying on in this way. Why don't we present our real daughter to Kaxiong for marriage and see what happens then?"

  The two brothers thought this a superb idea and immediately began the betrothal arrangements.

  On the eve of the wedding Kaxiong returned to his room and was stunned to see his bride-to-be already there.

  The woman smiled and said, "Why are you so flustered?" She then related the following story.

  "I am a fox and I have come to repay a debt of gratitude for a kindness your father once bestowed upon me.

  "When your father the general was alive he often went hunting and one day I was shot by his arrow. Instead of killing me he pulled the arrow out and set me free. Since that day I have been seeking a way to repay his kindness and today I have succeeded.

  "When I discovered that you were having difficulty realizing your love for Miss Zhou, I decided to become your matchmaker and help you achieve your desire. Of course, if you and Miss Zhou had not already been destined for each other, I would have been unable to help.

  "Now that my matchmaking is done, I will leave."

  And with this she disappeared.

  Freak Wind

  The Dajing military camp was based in Liangzhou at Mount Song, in the middle of a gravelly desert. The site was that of an old battlefield, and one day General Ta Siha led his troops farther into the desert on routine surveillance.