Censored by Confucius Read online

  He then gave the servant a small packet. "When the time comes, open this packet and you will be saved." In an instant the monk was gone.

  When the elderly servant returned home, he carefully opened the packet and found wrapped inside a set of five fingernails and a piece of rope. Puzzled, he rewrapped the package and placed it carefully in his pocket.

  When the three days of preparation came to an end, the Daoist told the servant to bring his bed into the room where the young master's coffin was housed, and to place it across from the coffin. He then put locks on all the doors and windows and cut a hole in the wall to allow food to be passed in to the servant to sustain him while he waited for the magic to take effect. Finally, the Daoist erected an altar near the concubines' quarters.

  Nothing happened for two days and the elderly servant began to doubt that anything would. Then suddenly he heard wind gusting up from under the bed.

  Two dark figures about two feet high emerged from the floorboards. Their greenish eyes were set deep in heads the size of wagon wheels and their bodies were covered with short bristles. They stared at the elderly servant, then slowly made their way to the coffin, where they set about gnashing a hole in it.

  As the hole grew larger the servant could hear coughing from inside. It sounded just like the young master! Then, the two demons opened the lid of the coffin and helped the young master out. He was clearly very weak and sick, but the demons began to massage his abdomen and eventually sound issued from his lips.

  The elderly servant looked carefully at the person before him and it soon became clear that while the body was that of the young master, the voice belonged to the Daoist. He came to the grim realization that the words he had heard in Guandi's temple were true, so he quickly drew the package from his chest pocket and carefully opened it.

  The five fingernails flew off in the form of a golden dragon dozens of feet long. The dragon picked the elderly servant up and flew through the air with him, bringing him to rest on the roof beams, where he found himself bound with ropes.

  Though semi-conscious by now, the servant could see the demons helping the newly revived master to his now empty bed. Suddenly the master shouted in anguish, "My magic is failing!"

  At this the two demons became quite vicious and angrily searched the room for the elderly man. The master grew violent, shredding the servant's bedding and all his bed curtains. By chance, one of the demons looked up and saw the servant tied to the roof beam. Jubilant the master jumped up, trying to pull him down.

  Just then there was a tremendous crack of thunder. The elderly man fell to the floor, the coffin closed up, and the demons sunk through the floorboards as quickly as they had emerged.

  On hearing the crack of thunder, the concubines rushed in to see what had happened. The elderly servant told them every detail of his ordeal, and when the women learned about the Daoist's treachery they hurried to see what had become of him. On the altar lay the corpse of the Daoist—he had been struck by lightning—and etched upon his body in a sulfureous dust was his story.

  It was written that the evil Daoist had been using his magical powers to gain access to money and sex by using other people's bodies. Heaven had decreed that he be executed for his crimes, and so it was done.

  Scholar Cai

  Outside the north gate of Hangzhou's city wall was a house that was reputed to be haunted. As a consequence, nobody dared live there and so the house remained vacant and firmly sealed.

  One day a scholar by the name of Cai came by and expressed his wish to purchase the house. The locals tried to dissuade him, saying he would be risking his life if he tried to live in such a place. But Cai paid them no heed and proceeded with the purchase, signing all the necessary documents. His family refused to take up residence, however, so Cai moved in by himself.

  On his first night in the house he sat up with a candle to keep watch. At midnight a woman with a red sash dangling from her neck quietly entered his room. She curtsied and the two exchanged greetings. Then the woman tied a rope to the roof beam and pulled the noose over her head. Throughout this performance Cai remained unruffled. Next, she tied another rope and beckoned to Cai to join her. Cai accepted her invitation but drew the noose over his foot.

  The woman said, "My dear sir, that's the wrong way."

  Cai laughed. "I'm certainly not wrong. You're the one who's doing it the wrong way and that's why you ended up where you are today."

  At this, the ghost fell to her knees weeping, and after bowing to Cai several times she left. From this time on, the house was free of supernatural occurrences. Cai, moreover, was successful in his examinations. Some say he may be the local magistrate, Cai Binghou.

  Revenge of the Skull

  Sun Junshou of Changshu was extremely cruel and vicious and took particular delight in mocking ghosts and spirits. One day, while he and some friends were up in the hills having a picnic, Sun found himself in need of a place to empty his bowels. Looking around for a suitable spot he came across a dilapidated grave where a skull lay exposed on the ground. Sun squatted over the upturned skull and defecated into the opening, saying, "How did you enjoy that, my good fellow?"

  Much to Sun's horror, the skull opened its mouth and replied, "Exquisite!"

  Terrified, Sun ran as fast as his feet could carry him. But the skull rolled along like a wheel behind, and it was only when Sun had crossed a bridge that the skull ceased its pursuit. Climbing a hill on the other side of the bridge, Sun glanced back to see the skull rolling back to the grave.

  By the time Sun reached home his face was a deathly gray and he had become incontinent. Until his death three days later the man would eat his own feces and ask himself, "How did you enjoy that, my good fellow?" And then he would defecate and eat his feces all over again.

  General Zhao Spears the Cheeky Monster

  After waging campaigns against rebels in the mountainous borderlands General Zhao Liangdong passed through Chengdu in Sichuan Province. He was welcomed on his arrival by the governor of Sichuan and escorted to the house of a local citizen to spend the night.

  When he arrived at the house General Zhao discovered that the rooms he had been allocated were extremely cramped, so he asked to stay in the yamen of the western district.

  In reply the governor explained, "I would have had the yamen prepared for your arrival but I'm told it is haunted. It's been locked up for over a century now."

  General Zhao smiled. "Over the course of my life I've defeated hordes of bandits, quelled many rebellions, and slaughtered countless numbers of men. If those ghosts and demons know what's good for them they'll stay out of my way!"

  He promptly gave the order for the yamen to be cleaned out in preparation for his personal use. The general housed his family in the inner quarters while he himself took a bed in the main room. As he lay down to sleep he put his long military lance under his pillow.

  At the second watch, the hooks of the bed curtains clanged together and there in front of the bed stood a tall white-gowned figure with a bulbous belly. In the shadow of the lamplight its face had a cold and greenish glow.

  General Zhao sat up and shouted fiercely at the ghost, who promptly took several steps back into the circle of lamplight. The momentary illumination of his face showed the gruesome visage of a guardian god from a folk painting. Zhao thrust out with his lance but the ghost dodged behind a wall support. Zhao thrust out his lance again, and once more the ghost dodged. It then slipped quickly into a small crack in the wall and disappeared.

  As General Zhao walked back to his room he sensed he was being followed. He swung around and found the ghost sneaking up behind him with a broad grin on its face.

  The general was furious at such insolence. "How is it that such a cheeky monster is allowed to exist?!"

  Woken by the commotion, Zhao's servants rushed for their weapons and advanced on the ghost en masse. The ghost beat a hasty retreat into an empty room through a crack in the wall. Clouds of dust and sand rose up and the waiti
ng servants expected, from the volume of noise, to see a horde of ugly reinforcements. Instead the ghost made its way through to the main hall again. He stood up tall and then crouched over, assuming a fighting position.

  The servants were terrified at this change of tactics and nobody dared to advance on the ghost. The general, however, had grown increasingly angry and he took up his own lance and speared the monster through the belly. As the lance pierced the bulge, a strange sound could be heard and then the ghost's body disappeared.

  Eventually, all that remained was the dazzling metallic gleam of two golden eyes the size of large copper basins, hanging from the wall. The servants struck out at the eyes with their swords and these dazzling lights soon transformed into sparks and stars that lit up the entire room. Gradually these too diminished.

  Then dawn arrived.

  Before he mounted his horse to take his leave of Chengdu, General Zhao told all the city officials about the night's strange events. They all gaped in amazement. Nobody was ever able to determine the exact nature of this particular monster.

  The Magistrate of Pingyang

  The magistrate of Pingyang, a man by the name of Zhu Shuo, was renowned for the extremely cruel way he meted out punishments. Indeed, the cangues and cudgels produced in the territories under his jurisdiction were particularly thick and heavy.

  In all cases involving women, Magistrate Zhu would be sure to give a moralizing lecture on adultery. His punishment of prostitutes involved stripping them and repeatedly ramming cudgels up their vaginas, ensuring that they remained swollen for several months. The magistrate would then declare, "Let's see her take a client now!" and promptly order that clients' faces be smeared with blood from the prostitutes' buttocks.

  If the prostitutes were beautiful he would be even more brutal, saying, "If all beautiful women are made to be plain, then our society will be rid of the scourge of prostitution!" He would then order the prostitutes' heads shaved and their nostrils slashed.

  He often bragged of this to his colleagues: "I am totally impervious to sexual desire. How would I be able to mete out such punishments if I didn't have a heart of stone?"

  When Zhu had completed his term in Pingyang he was reassigned to Shandong. During the shift, he and his family stayed in a guesthouse in Chiping County. The top floor of the guesthouse was firmly sealed and when Zhu asked the innkeeper why, he was told, "There are ghosts up there so the floor has been kept locked for many years."

  Zhu replied in his typically obstinate manner, "What possible reason do we have to be scared? When those specters hear of my reputation, I guarantee they'll beat a hasty retreat."

  Despite his wife's desperate entreaties he rented the upper floor, put his family in one room, and, armed with a sword, kept watch by candlelight in another.

  At the third drum there was a knock at his door and a white-haired man wearing a dark red cap entered. When he saw Zhu the old man bowed reverently, but in reply Zhu simply shouted at him, demanding that the specter identify himself.

  The old man replied: "I am not a specter. I am the local earth god and it is with great pleasure that I welcome you here tonight. When I heard of your arrival I knew that the time for the exorcism of the ghosts dwelling here was nigh."

  He then went on to say, "In a little while the ghosts will appear. If we are to take all their heads you should first strike them with your sword and then I'll be able to come in and help you."

  Zhu was immensely pleased by this news and thanked the old man before bidding him farewell.

  Presently a green-faced demon and a white-faced demon did indeed appear before Zhu. Zhu struck out with his sword, slicing one and then the other. Then some long-toothed, black-mouthed demons appeared and Zhu again struck out with his sword. The demons screamed in pain and fell to the ground. Zhu was extremely proud of his performance and hurried down to tell the innkeeper about the night's events.

  By this time the rooster had crowed and the other residents had risen, so they all went up with their candles to survey the scene. Under the flickering candlelight they saw the floor strewn with the corpses of Zhu's wife, concubines, and children.

  Zhu screamed, "I've been tricked by the ghosts and specters!" Then, grief-stricken, he collapsed to the floor, dead.

  Tricking the Thunder God

  Zhao Licun, a demobilized soldier from Nanfeng County, once told me of a strange event that occurred during the Ming dynasty. The story had been passed down from one of his ancestors, a man of exceptional talent who lived in the village in question.

  At one point, when the anarchy and chaos of the Ming had reached its peak, the village was repeatedly terrorized by bandits who would extort money from the locals during festivals and the like. It wasn't long before the villagers' suffering became intolerable, so Zhao took it upon himself to report these criminals to the law. The bandits were forthwith officially banned from entering the village and this left them without their primary source of income. Naturally, they were furious.

  Because Zhao had official backing, the bandits couldn't personally take revenge on him, so they decided to invoke a higher authority. Whenever thunder clouds banked up on the horizon, the bandits would gather together with all their wives and children and pray to the thunder god for assistance, chanting: "Please strike down that evil Mr. Zhao."

  Their prayers were accompanied by ritual sacrifices of pigs and the like, and were not without results.

  One day, Mr. Zhao was pottering around in his garden when suddenly there was a great crashing boom. A sulfureous smell filled the garden and down from the sky came a hairy fellow with a mouth like a beak. Zhao recognized this to be the thunder god and deduced that he must have been tricked by the bandits.

  He quickly threw the nearby chamber pot at the thunder god, shouting: "Thunder god! In all the fifty years I've been alive, I've never seen you dare to strike a tiger! You always pick on the humble water buffalo! What is it that makes you victimize the weak and gentle? How can you be such a bully? What's your purpose in coming here? Go on, then, you can destroy me or simply ruin me, but you know, I won't hate you, I'll just pity you!"

  The thunder god, soaked in urine from the chamber pot, was rendered speechless by this tirade. Behind his angry eyes was the glimmer of shame. He fell in a heap to the ground and began what turned out to be three days of pitiful crying.

  When the bandits heard of this strange turn of events they were greatly moved and admitted, "It was our request that brought this hardship and embarrassment to the thunder god." They called upon a Daoist monk and asked him to help the thunder god with prayers. This was carried out and the thunder god left.

  Ghosts Are Afraid of Those Unafraid of Death

  One of Official Jie's cousins was an exceptionally strong and fearless sort. He particularly loathed people spreading frightening tales about ghosts, and always chose to live in places reputed to be haunted.

  One day, while traveling through Shandong Province, he stopped at an inn that was rumored to have some sort of demon living in its western wing. lie, extremely pleased to be presented with such a challenge, immediately arranged to rent the rooms for the night.

  At the second watch a tile was knocked from the roof.

  In reply Jie cursed loudly. "If you're really a decent ghost then you'd throw something down that can't be found on a roof. Perhaps then I'd be afraid of you."

  Surely enough a grinding stone was tossed down. Jie shouted back, "If you're really a fierce ghost I dare you to come and destroy my table. Then maybe I'd be scared of you."

  Surely enough a huge stone came hurtling through the air and smashed half of his table.

  Jie was furious and screamed, "You damned mongrel of a ghost! I'll bow to you only when you've smashed my head in!"

  He promptly stood up, threw his hat to the floor, lifted his head, and waited for the assault.

  After this stand-off no more strange sounds could be heard and thenceforth all supernatural happenings in this wing of the building ceas
ed.

  Scholar Qiu

  One summer's day a Nanchang scholar by the name of Qiu took a nap in the cool of the local earth god's temple. After returning home he became extremely ill. Qiu's wife decided that he must have offended the earth god, and she prepared offerings and burnt incense to placate the spirit. Surely enough, Qiu then regained his health.

  His wife advised him to return to the temple to show his gratitude to the god. But Qiu was furious and instead filed a letter of complaint against the earth god, accusing him of using his powers to squeeze food and wine from the people. He sent this complaint to the city god by burning the letter. However, after ten days nothing had happened.

  Qiu became even more furious and burned a second letter of complaint. This letter included an additional reference to the city god's own behavior, suggesting that by being lax with corrupt subordinates he was himself undeserving of any offerings.

  That night he dreamed that a notice had been posted on the wall of the city god's temple. It read: "The local earth god is extorting food and drink from the people and has thereby abused his office. He is setting a bad example and as a consequence should lose his position. This man Qiu does not respect ghosts and spirits and pokes his nose into the affairs of others. He should be sent to Xinjian and be given twenty strokes."

  After waking, Qiu remained convinced that the dream signified nothing. After all, he was a Nanchang resident, so even if he were to be punished, it would not be in Xinjian.